So, I haven’t posted a blog in over three weeks. I don’t know if I would call it writer’s block because I did start 5 or 6 entries, I just didn’t publish them. I might call it writer’s confusion, though. I’ve been in a fog lately, and it is not doing wonderful things for me as a writer. I can’t commit to anything I put down on paper. I write and write and write…. and when I’m finished and read it back the result sounds negative and dismal. That is not me. It’s not hard to psychoanalyze why my writing seems negative and dismal as of late, but even with all the dismay, there is always that wishful, positive me remaining hopeful through all of the crap.
I cannot commit to being a Debbie Downer. Yes, it is true that much of nothing has gone my way lately. Yes, it is also true that I have been spending a lot of time taking a mental inventory of all the aspects of my life that are not lining up as I would prefer, but I’m still ME underneath it all.
I’m a living, breathing contradiction lately. The Realist (negative, sarcastic me) vs. The Dreamer (positive, hopeful me).
The realist side of me knows that my chosen career path is not working out for me. The fact of the matter is that in the 5 weeks of school being in session, I have worked 3 times. In those three days, only one of the calls was from sub-center. In the other two cases, I was called directly by a school. This is not a good sign for me. If I’m not getting calls from sub-center, it seems to me that there are many subs in front of me on the list.
The dreamer side of me makes excuses for not getting many calls. I know that since the strike, teachers are probably trying their best to not call off of work. They are most likely playing catch-up with lesson plans, grading, parent phone calls, meetings, deadlines, etc.
The realist side of me is pissed that I have a BA in English and cannot find a job outside of education either. I’ve spent the last few weeks applying for many jobs and haven’t received one ounce of interest from any employer.
Here come more excuses from the dreamer side. I know the job market is tough for everyone right now, so I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m not the exception, here. My time will come.
The realist side of me is overcome by fear that even when I do snatch up a job interview, the other more experienced candidate will get the job. Tell me, how does one gain experience in anything if no one gives them the chance to gain the experience in the first place?
The dreamer thinks, in this instance, employers should see me as a new, unused sponge— right out of the packaging. No one has filled me up or drenched me in their ways of thinking yet. I am free to absorb doing things in any way they see fit. I’m ready and more than willing to get the show on the road. Employers should see the excitement and energy bouncing off this green educator and hire me straight away!
I could go on for days with examples on how my realism and my hopefulness fight each other constantly, but it’s really no use. The dreamer is always going to win. I’m stubborn. I get that from my German side (well, that would be both sides). One of these days, Jacob and I will be living a comfortable life in the way we dream it. And we’ll appreciate it more because of how hard we had to fight to get it.
I cannot give up on my dream. I know what happens to a dream deferred and it isn’t pretty. Ask Langston Hughes. He doesn’t have to say it plainly in order for you to understand:
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode? (Hughes)
I know I’m meant to be a teacher and it will happen. If I ever give up, I may just explode. And that is just unacceptable to me.